This is my gorgeous son B5 when he was 3 months old
This is him now
My other beautiful son, H1
and now
Ridiculous how fast time flies.
These past five years have had so many times growth and determination. I have become so many things, a mother, nurturer, fighter, carer, provider, learner, teacher, I have grieved and I have celebrated. I have had so much change it spins my head to process those years.
When I first found out I was pregnant with B5 I was 21 years old, I was in a rocky relationship and I was so far removed from who I used to be. It was a time of uncertainty and pain. I had an ultrasound at 7 weeks and knew that the life inside of me was mine and I was going to grow it and nurture this beautiful gift. I spent a fair chunk of my pregnancy uncertain of if I was bringing my baby into a family of 3 or just him and me.
Finally the day arrived that he was going to arrive. I had very little fluid around him and apparently my placenta had started to calcify. My baby was a little small but that wasn't too odd I was told. He was riding high and I was told that with his heart rate continually decelerating he was at a great risk and wasn't gong to be able to be born naturally. I was taken to Theatre after 4 hours of labour and being only 2cm. I was given a spinal block and with my Mum waiting outside and partner beside me I gave birth to our son with the assistance of Theatre staff. I remember feeling slight tugging and then an almighty light feeling and then I was seeing his gorgeous pinky, slimy body flung over the sheet. I yelled out his name and had a little cry. I had done it, my first born was here. It felt like an eternity between that moment and hearing him cry. He was having a little issue with breathing and was given some oxygen. He was wrapped and finally I was able to meet my son. I was looking at him thinking, I wonder if this is how all newborns look. I was in love, utterly and completely. He had my heart forever. I was then told that they were taking him back to the Maternity ward and I asked my Partner and Mother to go with him. I was stitched up and taken to recovery. As I was wheeled out the doors I saw the Obstetrician and Paediatrician talking and the look on their faces looked as if someone had died. I was saying to myself, please not me, please not me... then the Paed walked over. My heart was lodged in my mouth. He asked me a question. "What do you know about Down Syndrome?"
How was I supposed to answer? I was shocked and silent.
He said that it could just be a look and Grandpa could walk in the door tomorrow and we will click our fingers and know that that is why he looks the way he does.
I drifted in and out of awareness and I can't recall everything. I asked to see my partner. I remember that while he was on his way a nurse was telling me that her aunt had Down Syndrome and she had practically raised her and her cousins.
After my partner came I don't recall much at all until the next day. I know that once I got back to my room I didn't put my little man down. All I knew was love, come what may, love was all I felt for him.
We were told that he would have chromosomal tests done but they would take 2 weeks to come back as we lived in a rural town. We spent those 2 weeks in a lot of denial, he just had bags under his eyes like his father. He was so amazingly gorgeous and perfect, surely he didn't have it. Both of us had no experience with people who have Down Syndrome, there was a girl in Primary School that was a couple of years younger and all I could remember is that she used to spit on everyone. So with our lack of knowledge we got to know our child and love him for who he was, not a diagnosis. I am so glad I had that time, it made me so appreciative of the gift I held in my arms.
We were told that we would have an appointment regardless of outcome because the hospital was unable to tell us results via the phone. We got the appointment time when bub was just over 2 weeks old. We heard our names being called and began to walk towards the door. My partner went in first and held the door for me, the doctor, before I had even entered the room said 'Well obviously he has it or we wouldn't be here.' I felt like I had been punched. He said that Early Intervention was the best option for these little ones and we should research our best option and go for it.
I am sitting here 5 years later still feeling my disappointment at this doctor for the way we were treated. We just needed some compassion and guidance, we needed to be referred, not told to research. It was 6 + weeks until we were able to get some assistance. I am so Thankful to the team when we did see them, without their help I wouldn't have been able to learn the things that I have.
When my little man was 3 months old my relationship with his father ended. He told me that it was over on the Wednesday, he was out of the house by the Friday. It was so hard. That Sunday was Mother's day, my very first Mother's day was spent as a newly single mother.
Ok enough self pity now, this is about growth not woe is me.
I am actually really Thankful that I was given the chance to be the best mother that I ever could be, so even though he was a total douche, I am so grateful that I spent 3 years growing my gorgeous boy all by myself.
So that is it, how my journey as a mother started, challenging, yes, but well worth every minute.
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