Spinning

The journey of Real Mumma's on Monday is really making me question things, on top of that my house is messy which contributes to a messy head. Not very nice for Mr P here at the moment. Poor fella cops all my head explosion moments.

There was a complete meltdown on a forum I am a member of,you can feel the bad energy as soon as you log on. The only thing that makes me go back is the weight loss group I have joined. They are a lovely bunch of women and because it is completely private it is very easy to be yourself and share the up's and down's of changing your lifestyle and thought patterns.

We are having financial strains, even though we are pacing ourselves with the wedding plans. It is very frustrating and it looks like I am going to have to get a casual job. The thought of having a job makes me want to hyperventilate. My children get sick frequently, appointments happen, I am driving so much, and well the list goes on to why I can't possibly have a job. I find it really hard to let people down who rely on me. It makes me feel physically ill when I have to have a day off.
Mr P wants to explore his ability in his career field, yet is stuck in the job he doesn't enjoy so much. He is constantly coming up with reasons not to put himself out there. I completely understand the fear attached to applying for jobs, it is daunting, but he is so good at what he does that I am certain other companies will want his awesomeness.

B6 is doing fine at school, a little disrupted because he has had nearly 2 weeks off. His learning is taking off, he is extremely interested in computers and I am trying to get funding for an Ipad and speech/OT apps, through DSQ aids and equipment grant.
This time last year things started to go down hill rapidly at his old school. He was unwell then too and going back to school proved too much for him in a school that couldn't be bothered supporting him. I am trying to remember that this school is fan-freakin-tastic and won't let him down, but it is a constant struggle to stay on top of the negative feelings.

H2 is doing well. He really loves going to his Family Day Care Mum, and I like her too. Very happy! :)

The Real Mumma's on Monday question was what award I would win. Every time I think of my answer I tear up. I was so strong when I had B6, I felt resilient and I was proud of myself. Now I am an anxious mess when things happen. I fall into a crumpled heap as soon as something doesn't go like I had thought. It is really hard to be strong these days. I want to be proud of myself again, be strong again, be like water and weather the storms. Have I failed myself?

Today marks the day H started having seizures 2 years ago. Maybe that has something to do with the inner turmoil too.
I was in the middle of breastfeeding, I lay him on my lap to change sides and he went blank. Nothing was behind his eyes, he was not there anymore. His lips started to go dusky and his breathing was rapid and irregular. When he didn't respond to his name or me blowing in his face we called the ambulance. By the time they arrived he was perfectly fine. He looked to have frequent little episodes of vacantness during the night but I felt comfortable to leave it because he was co-sleeping and I would know if something went wrong. The next morning I had planned to meet some special friends that I had met through B6 and his Special School. I started to feed him some of his banana and avocado mash and he had another turn. There was only two mothers there at that time and both said to me that it looked like he was having a seizure. Both their gorgeous boys have Epilepsy so I knew they knew what they were talking about. I broke down. I had a feeling that it was seizures but so didn't want to admit it. I called the ambulance again and we were taken to hospital. He had frequent mini episodes on the way to the hospital, the ambulance officer didn't think what was happening odd. We arrived at the Emergency department and saw the Doctor. It was 11 am. My wonderful friend picked up Mr P and he was there shortly after we arrived. We spent the rest of the day in limbo because he hadn't had another episode. The Doctor came in at 3 to do last checks and discharge us. He had an episode right in front of her. Oh my, that duress button and the amount of noise and action was too much for me and I nearly fainted. It was so hard to see him on that bed.
We were discharged to the ward at 5pm and on the way he had another one. His whole body went blue and he was lifeless in my arms. I started to scream at the nurse and wardy who was pushing us. They weren't moving fast enough. The duress button was pushed when we got to his room and Doctors, nurses and equipment came out of no where. Mr P and I were standing out of the way when he broke down crying 'what is wrong with my baby, what is wrong.' It was so intense to see him in so much pain.
He was transferred to Paed ICU and looked after well. At about 2am he had another massive episode and it was decided that he needed medication to stop them as his heart-rate was dropping and so was his oxygen levels, it was getting too dangerous for him. We spent only 3 days in hospital and it was an intense time with MRI's, spinal taps and EEG's. They couldn't find anything. He had another 2 seizures a month later after a big growth spurt and nothing since. He was weaned off the drugs in May 2010.
To this day it is still unknown what went on with him. I am aware that he could have another episode any minute. It isn't nice. Hopefully it was just an infantile syndrome and it will never happen to him again. I live in hope.