Our Amazing Wedding

I became so wrapped up in my celebrations, I didn't share our day.

We were married on the 15th October 2011. It began with our family waking up in the same bed at our home. We spent the night before doing normal family things and it was a lovely way to wake and start our day.

Mr P and our boys were picked up about 9 and the clock started to tick. We started with a lovely breakfast, fruit, muesli, yoghurt and other good food. My Bridesmaids gave me a massage, a manicure and I was spoilt. Mid morning my husband to be came by and gave me a lovely bunch of flowers and a chocolate, he looked nervous and excited. I met him with curlers in my hair. hehe. He said I looked very relaxed, it was because I was.

I was so excited to be finally here, at the moment I was going to share my love in front of our family and friends.

The day went by quickly and with fleeting visits from family. My neice was literally bouncing from excitment at being our flower girl. We had some problems with her dress before the day, but it fit beautifully.

After all our hair was done (no mean feat with 4 bridesmaids, a flowergirl and me), my women took me to get my dress on. It was the most surreal feeling to be dressed by someone else, let alone 4 of them. Ha!

We proceeded out to the loungeroom and they put on my jewellery. I had thought the dressing was different, you have no idea how weird it was to have my earring put into my ear. So odd.

I was all ready and we started to get some photo's. My boys arrived, looking so gorgeous, and we were ready to drive to the location.
I had organised a spot on the beach really close to our home, but as it was blowing 30knot winds, we decided to change the location to the other end of the beach where it was a bit more sheltered from the massive winds.
With the move, we ended up needing cars. My friend owned a large enough car and we were able to go in two cars that were both silver, my bridemaids in one, my Dad, my boys and I in the other. It was still not feeling like the time had come, until we turned a corner and the breath got stuck in my throat. It was time.

My husband to be and his groomsmen were waiting at the closest end of a red carpet, our guests to either side, our minister at the other end of the carpet.
My flowergirl went first carrying a bouquet of buttons.
My bridesmaids were escorted by the groomsmen with wrist corsages.
My Dad gave my arm to MR P and our boys and he walked down before us.

I was greeted by Mr P who said, 'Wow, you have blown me away. You look amazing.'
We walked down the carpet with our closest friends and our families looking on. We had A love idea by Mark Knopfler playing.

We had a beautiful ceremony and shared our vows.

Mr P, you have filled my world with even more meaning.
You have made me happy.
you are my best friend and Father to our children

I promise to encourage and inspire you and to laugh with you

I promise to support the Knights when they are winning,
and if they are losing.

Thank you for taking me as I am; loving me,
and welcoming me into your heart.

As we grow together throughout our marriage,
I hope we never realise just how high our high can be.

I, Phoenix give myself to you Mr P to be your husband.
I will love you, comfort you, honour and protect you and
be faithful to you for the rest of our lives.

And his to me

From this day forward I promise you these things.

I will laugh with you in times of joy,

I will share in your dreams, and support

you as you strive to achieve your goals.

I will listen to you with compassion and understanding,
and speak to you with encouragement.

I will help you when you need it,
and step aside when you don't.
You are my best friend and
I will love and respect you always.

I, Mr P give myself to you Phoenix to be your husband.
I will love you, comfort you, honour and protect you and
be faithful to you for the rest of our lives.

We shared our vows with our oldest son taking in every word. He knew that we were sharing something incredibly special. It was beautiful to have him share such a moment.

We signed our marriage certificate while listening to Into my arms by Nick Cave

It was perfect.

We were introduced as MR and MRS and our family and friends cheered. My husband's family are from Scotland and we payed tribute to his heritage as we finished our ceremony. We played Highland Cathedral (there is a stupid ad before the song, and our version was a tad different, it was more brisk to begin with.)

We had some nibbles and champagne by the beach and enjoyed the company before we started the photos.









Our reception was wonderful, we had fantastic food and great company.

It was an ideal day, so perfect. *happy sigh*

Spinning

The journey of Real Mumma's on Monday is really making me question things, on top of that my house is messy which contributes to a messy head. Not very nice for Mr P here at the moment. Poor fella cops all my head explosion moments.

There was a complete meltdown on a forum I am a member of,you can feel the bad energy as soon as you log on. The only thing that makes me go back is the weight loss group I have joined. They are a lovely bunch of women and because it is completely private it is very easy to be yourself and share the up's and down's of changing your lifestyle and thought patterns.

We are having financial strains, even though we are pacing ourselves with the wedding plans. It is very frustrating and it looks like I am going to have to get a casual job. The thought of having a job makes me want to hyperventilate. My children get sick frequently, appointments happen, I am driving so much, and well the list goes on to why I can't possibly have a job. I find it really hard to let people down who rely on me. It makes me feel physically ill when I have to have a day off.
Mr P wants to explore his ability in his career field, yet is stuck in the job he doesn't enjoy so much. He is constantly coming up with reasons not to put himself out there. I completely understand the fear attached to applying for jobs, it is daunting, but he is so good at what he does that I am certain other companies will want his awesomeness.

B6 is doing fine at school, a little disrupted because he has had nearly 2 weeks off. His learning is taking off, he is extremely interested in computers and I am trying to get funding for an Ipad and speech/OT apps, through DSQ aids and equipment grant.
This time last year things started to go down hill rapidly at his old school. He was unwell then too and going back to school proved too much for him in a school that couldn't be bothered supporting him. I am trying to remember that this school is fan-freakin-tastic and won't let him down, but it is a constant struggle to stay on top of the negative feelings.

H2 is doing well. He really loves going to his Family Day Care Mum, and I like her too. Very happy! :)

The Real Mumma's on Monday question was what award I would win. Every time I think of my answer I tear up. I was so strong when I had B6, I felt resilient and I was proud of myself. Now I am an anxious mess when things happen. I fall into a crumpled heap as soon as something doesn't go like I had thought. It is really hard to be strong these days. I want to be proud of myself again, be strong again, be like water and weather the storms. Have I failed myself?

Today marks the day H started having seizures 2 years ago. Maybe that has something to do with the inner turmoil too.
I was in the middle of breastfeeding, I lay him on my lap to change sides and he went blank. Nothing was behind his eyes, he was not there anymore. His lips started to go dusky and his breathing was rapid and irregular. When he didn't respond to his name or me blowing in his face we called the ambulance. By the time they arrived he was perfectly fine. He looked to have frequent little episodes of vacantness during the night but I felt comfortable to leave it because he was co-sleeping and I would know if something went wrong. The next morning I had planned to meet some special friends that I had met through B6 and his Special School. I started to feed him some of his banana and avocado mash and he had another turn. There was only two mothers there at that time and both said to me that it looked like he was having a seizure. Both their gorgeous boys have Epilepsy so I knew they knew what they were talking about. I broke down. I had a feeling that it was seizures but so didn't want to admit it. I called the ambulance again and we were taken to hospital. He had frequent mini episodes on the way to the hospital, the ambulance officer didn't think what was happening odd. We arrived at the Emergency department and saw the Doctor. It was 11 am. My wonderful friend picked up Mr P and he was there shortly after we arrived. We spent the rest of the day in limbo because he hadn't had another episode. The Doctor came in at 3 to do last checks and discharge us. He had an episode right in front of her. Oh my, that duress button and the amount of noise and action was too much for me and I nearly fainted. It was so hard to see him on that bed.
We were discharged to the ward at 5pm and on the way he had another one. His whole body went blue and he was lifeless in my arms. I started to scream at the nurse and wardy who was pushing us. They weren't moving fast enough. The duress button was pushed when we got to his room and Doctors, nurses and equipment came out of no where. Mr P and I were standing out of the way when he broke down crying 'what is wrong with my baby, what is wrong.' It was so intense to see him in so much pain.
He was transferred to Paed ICU and looked after well. At about 2am he had another massive episode and it was decided that he needed medication to stop them as his heart-rate was dropping and so was his oxygen levels, it was getting too dangerous for him. We spent only 3 days in hospital and it was an intense time with MRI's, spinal taps and EEG's. They couldn't find anything. He had another 2 seizures a month later after a big growth spurt and nothing since. He was weaned off the drugs in May 2010.
To this day it is still unknown what went on with him. I am aware that he could have another episode any minute. It isn't nice. Hopefully it was just an infantile syndrome and it will never happen to him again. I live in hope.

8 months...

is all we have until our wedding day!
I thought I should start to document our wedding journey. :) Yay us!

On the 8th of February 2009 we had a gathering of friends and family for B's 4th birthday. He surprised us all by asking me to marry him. He got down on his knee in front of everyone after he expressed his love and adoration for me and our family. I shook with excitement.

We have had many trying times over the years and always we have worked through it. I feel that I am able to communicate honestly and openly with him, I have loved him from the moment he told me he couldn't live without me anymore.

So now we are coming together, legally, as a family. EXCITING!!

We are having a smallish ceremony with friends and family on the water front park near our house. The celebrant is a family friend who is traveling up from NSW to marry us, we feel very blessed that he will be doing our ceremony as he dedicated our son's when they were little.

So the other plans we have made so far:

Bridesmaids- 4 lovely friends who mean heaps to me!

Invitations- simple and reflecting our wedding by the ocean

Bouquets- Buttons, not flowers. I have wonderful friends donating buttons for my bouquets, it means a lot to me to have them with me.

Dress- meeting with the Dressmaker this week (YAY). I have a wonderful friend who will be helping me decorate it with her amazing lace crochet.

Reception- at the local bowls club, we have a bit to do with it so it is nice to be able to support them. My Grandma bowled with them when she was living and my Grandfather has dinner there every Friday night! They have a lovely cook too!

Shoes- snazzy flats.

Jewellery- Earrings made by a friend of mine Mamayali Necklace I haven't decided but wonder if some beaded lace piece would be the go!

Decorations for Reception- My lovely local friend and I are going to make some cool beaded wire pieces for the table and have bowls of conversation hearts (I think)

So that is all I can think of at the moment.

I have had some freak outs as to if I will pull off the glowing bride, but knowing that I will be marrying my (cliche) best friend and wonderful partner, with my beautiful boys, makes me feel all warm inside!

I can't wait to have my close friends and family around us on our special day! I am so looking forward to sharing it with the people I love dearly.

All things festive

Being Christmas/New Year, I felt it was time I updated. I have been a bit uninspired with the lack of pictures without the charger for my phone, I was rescued by my Mum who has the same camera and visited just before Christmas.
So YAY for Mum.

School holidays have been going well, I nearly lost my mind before my Mum got here. So stressful to continually pull my boys apart from arguments and fisticuffs.
We did lots of touristy things with copious amounts of driving to see the landscape. It is amazing country here, both mountains and coast, beautiful.



More of what Mum got up to while here. hehe


It was nice to have her around for a few days, it was a good visit! My in laws are coming in a couple of days, so I am excited about that too. My niece will be with them and she is such a gorgeous little lady.



Testament of how awesome I am at gardening! I haven't weeded the front garden for a while because of all the rain and the other day I found this pumpkin growing nicely up the tree.

Speaking of rain....

It makes such great fun. We haven't been able to get the boys to stay out of it. LOL!


Getting cake!! :D

So we have had a great holiday so far, Mr P is having some time off and it is so nice to be a family unit without having to actually 'do' anything.

Enjoy your New Years celebrations, I hope you have a prosperous 2011.

Crust be gone and ummm, maybe call it LOVE?!

A 'Sarah Bean' got a certain birthday present and was particularly excited about the cornflour like powder that was a result of a Ped Egg! Since her birthday I had stored the pleasure she found in it and also the amazingly smooth feet that were a result, and I requested it as my one gift (I will be getting a tattoo as a combined Birthday/Christmas so am hanging out for that too).
Hmmm, yes Ped Egg!
I was intrigued to find out if my feet too produced a grotty cornflour, and yes they do! So gross, but you can't stop looking at it and swishing it about in the top part of the 'egg'. Ha! I love having smooth feet as we hardly wear shoes since being here!
I was so stoked that Mr P got me the gift I had asked for, one year he asked what I wanted, I said a dressing gown, I ended up getting a mug. Hmm. BTW I wasn't drinking tea or coffee at that time!
So, Ped egg = most awesome gift! :D


The other part of my pondering has to do with my young man.

I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed with a couple of things this week.
Have I done enough for his life to be rewarding, have a put enough effort in for him to grow as he needs to, have I given him the right foundation of skills.
I just know that parenting is hard, it is character building and to be honest having my son helped me realise an inner strength and wisdom that I never knew that I had. Every day, he tests my patience, my negotiating skills, my sense of humour, my love, all my fears, and in reality so does H(not 1 any more!)2. I think the biggest advantage is knowing how to be truely humble and thankful and I thank my children every day! I have now been on this journey for over 6 years, from conception that is. I am constantly in awe of the lesson's I have learnt and I am forever evolving. A life of not learning wouldn't be as rewarding as what I am living. I constantly saying that having a child with Down syndrome isn't bad, it is just different. When we are on our parenting journey it has it's up's and down's and no two families are on the same path. It then becomes sad for me that my son is questioned and just not able to 'be'. I feel that I am constantly having to step up and advocate for him. I will always be an advocate, I just wish there wasn't such ignorance and stereotyping attached to a disability that is constantly pushing the boundaries and exceeding the box that was once used to group my child.

One day ignorances won't be so judgmental and we can all get on with living. Here's hoping anyway.

It's holidays! Woot!

and we woke up to...



Well we were all awoken at 5.30 this morning by a massive clap of thunder that literally made Mr P jump! After he arrived at work I spoke to him and he told me that half the town was under water and he saw a car immersed in a side street (he can be a little dramatic though).

After the normal breakfast routine I was at a bit of a loss as to how I was going to entertain my two busy boys. I decided a bit of paper shredding to do a papier mache project was in order.
I made some glue

Recipe-
3:1 Flour to sugar. I did 1 1/2 cups of flour, 1/2c sugar
slowly add cold water to make a paste and then onto the stove until thickened.
1/2 tablespoon of vinegar and mix well. It will keep in the fridge for a couple of weeks.

It was pretty average as I don't think I did the water slow enough, well I know I didn't because B was helping me and tipped it all in!
B and H had fun ripping the paper and then I covered a bowl in plastic wrap and we began the masterpiece.
B discovered that the glue was particularly tasty and ended up eating more then he pasted and H disappeared to play trucks, so I covered the bowl! Ha


Mmmm, gluey goodness!


I would call that a success! Ha!

H went down for a sleep so I thought B and I could have a bit of a bake!
Choc Chip Cookies!

Ingredients:

2 cups Plain Flour
1 cup Sugar
1 cup Butter
1 egg
1/4 cup Milk
2-3 tbls Vanilla essence
1 cup Choc Chips

Method:

Cream the butter and sugar
Mix in egg, vanilla and flour combine well
mix in milk and choc chips and mix well
put on a tray in small balls and bake at 180 degrees for about 14 mins or until browned. You could turn over at 7 mins if you wish.


Enjoying the beaters



Ready for the oven



Mmmm, finished product!

They were really quite tasty, even with the extra vanilla that B poured in. I do have a bit of a sweet headache now though!

We made it!

We have been at our new home about a week and a half now. We didn't have internet for most of that time and although it totally sucked, I enjoyed knowing that I was available. I usually use the internet as an escape. I have hardly been on since we had the internet connected anyway, I think I am enjoying what I am living now where as I wasn't really impressed with my surroundings previously.
We decided to leave a little later in the morning and it ended up to be around 10 before we actually left on our journey. We had booked a motel for the night so we only needed to drive about 6 or so hours not including stops.
It felt like we were making great time on a road that we hadn't driven before as we usually took the coast one. There was



this sign and I so knew that if B could read he would have giggled at the fact a sign had the word BUTT on it. So I had to take a photo to you know, let everyone else know that he would have laughed because butt jokes are hilarious!

The boys were squished in the back between unwashed clothes, toys and food.


Every photo taken needs a CHEEEESE chorused by both young men. Cute.

H had a massive car to keep him occupied



B had a new Woody doll that needed to sit all safe and sound in the belt with him


Well, until he got bored and decided that he would make a brilliant missile to shoot at his little brother.

I had miss placed my sunglasses and was getting a headache from squinting, so we promptly stopped at a service station and Mr P went and got each of us a new pair of shades.....



He came back with these. I have been avoiding bug eyes like the plague yet my only criteria was that they can't squeeze the side of my head. Of course now I have decided that I kinda like them. Huh! (my hand is doing a bad job of hiding double chin.)

We ended up driving 5 hours and got about as far as 2 hours on the coast road so then had to do some serious moving to make it to our motel without falling asleep at the wheel. Mr P and I decided to play trivia for the last 2 hours of the trip, very good thinking Mr P, it was so much easier to get to where we were going after 9 hrs of driving.
We got booked into the motel and got some fatty goodness for dinner. Once in the room my children were doing..





After a hard day traveling there is nothing quite like reading the Bible according to B. H had other plans. Ha!

The next morning we only had about 4 hrs to travel and it was pretty easy going. As the only driver nothing says you are nearly home quite like this




Cane. Beautiful sugar cane.

We are here, we are actually living a life that I have been wanting for my family. We are outside more, happier and less cranky. Gotta love that. B is loving his new school. Mr P is learning the new ropes of his job. H hates the feel of sand and I have been digging a new garden.

Before pics-






The Magpies came to eat rouge bugs while I dug. I just hope they remember my generous token when it comes to Spring.

Gotta have friends

I am completely and utterly blessed by having a gorgeous bunch (hence photo, HA ) of friends that I will always be able to call on.

This weekend I was recharged by some fabulous company, a bit of alcohol and Dahl! We woke to the beautiful blue ocean and a crisp, cool, revitalising atmosphere. A beautiful boy exclaiming 'WOW' bought about by such wonders that we as adults miss the gorgeous simplicity of. We walked with said little man throwing his arms out the side of his pram and marveling in the feeling of the breeze in his fine silky hair and the caress of the sun massaging his soul.
We supported a little girls wish to hold a party every year to remember her sweet presence this world is now without. We laughed together, we shared together, we ate together, and because of our children we now have an unbreakable link!

Today I am still feeling the high of knowing I have sisters that I will always be able to call on. I know that I am loved and that I love them in return. We share a common bond and yet that bond has made us better for knowing each other. Well I know that I am anyway. Each of us don't see each other every week yet we know that we are supported if we need to be supported, we are hugged (even virtually) when we need to be hugged and most importantly we can cry on each others shoulders when life is a little bit tough.

I will never forget this weekend. Thank you universe for being so kind to me and that we can be there for each other. It was beautiful to have an eclipsed moon while we shared company, it added to the undeniably spectacular gift we were sharing.
Friendship is grand and I know that where ever I am, I have fantastic friends.

The next step

I figure it is only right to add the next chapter in my motherhood journey, my little man H1.
I met his father about 4 months after B5 was born and we were solid friends. He and I maintained a great friendship for the next 3 years after a lot of relocating and distance. He was living in Perth, WA and came back to Brisbane for a holiday to celebrate his birthday. We spent a bit of time together having lunch and he looked after wee man while I went to soccer training. It was during this trip that he announced to me that he didn't want to live his life without us in it anymore. I was completely taken by surprise, I had never had someone profess their love for me and my little like that. We decided that we were going to give us a go. He went back to Perth after a week and we did the long distant thing for a while. He flew B and I over for a 2 week holiday which was absolutely fabulous and probably the most romantic token I have gotten. He decided that he was going to move back to Brisbane to give our relationship a proper go and by New Year we were together again.
H was a much wanted baby by Mr P and I was under the impression of if it happened I would be glad but if it didn't, I wouldn't mind too much. Well I was pregnant within the first month.

It was an incredibly stressful time as I hadn't realised that there was unresolved issues due to B's birth. I was so worried that my next child would have a disability and it affected me badly. I had a melt down at 27 weeks (I had a preterm labour scare with B at this time too) and decided that my head space was too messy and I wouldn't be able to birth him naturally. So I was booked in for an elective C section. The day arrived that was written on my admission note and with an air of anticipation and excited anxiousness we were prepared for surgery. Half an hour after the spinal block had been given I was hearing my little boy for the first time. He was checked over and was given the all clear. Oh how I cried. I cried for the diagnosis of my first born and I cried for the joy I felt that I had bought another life into this world. I was handed my beautifully fat pink healthy baby and he was keen to get sucking. Mr P took him for some Daddy, Son time in the recovery room and I soon joined them. He latched with very little effort and the relief was amazing. I had never breastfed a child before. It was bliss.
We were transferred back to the ward and Mr P went home for a sleep a while after we were settled. I lovingly gazed at my new baby while figuring out what his name should be. It was a beautiful time and I will always remember how my heart swelled to receive this precious being.
He was/is a beautiful baby and was incredibly chilled and went with the flow, loved to eat and was a great sleeper.


At 5 months old during a breastfeed he did a little funny episode. We called the ambulance because he went blue around his mouth. The ambulance came and he had returned to normal and I was told that I possibly could have had an air bubble. Ridiculous now I know but at the time it sounded plausible. The next day I had a meet up with some other mother's who have children with special needs. We were meeting to celebrate one of their birthday's. As we were sitting down to a coffee my little had another episode. A couple of the mother's recognised it as a seizure and I rang an ambulance and was transferred to the hospital an emotional mess. Not my perfect baby I kept repeating to myself. We were waiting in Emergency from 11 to 3 and nothing untoward had happened. We were seeing a doctor just before being discharged and low and behold he had another one. I am so thankful they got to see that one. We were rushed into recovery and there were heaps of nurses running everywhere and so many beeps and all of a sudden I was faint and nearly blacked out. It was such an emotionally draining time for both my partner and I. We spent the night in ICU and he was put on anti epileptic meds and the seizures ceased. He had an MRI and a lumbar puncture with no abnormal results. Although this time was incredibly tough to process he has only ever had another 2 seizures and is now being weaned from the drugs. I have my fingers firmly crossed that this will be the end of drama with Master H, well until teenage years at least. Ha

He has taught me that even though I might worry about everything, at the end of the day, I can change didally squat and what will be will be. You have to ride the currents, not try to dictate them. I am trying to let go of my controlling nature but it is resisting a little. I will get there though!

Alpha

I never thought I would start a blog, I love to read them but felt that I wouldn't be very good at writing in one. We are yet to see if I was right!
I was reading a blog and couldn't hear the music so I thought if I sign in it would allow me to hear the all important mood music. Alas it seems I have not achieved that by signing in. LOL.

So I guess my goals are to just dump and let the joys of life write themselves. I am a Mumma to two young little men that are my pride and joy. I am trying to change our life for the better and in doing so reduce the footprint of our little family on this gorgeous world we live in. My Partner is a beautiful man who does his best to support us, he loves us all so dearly and I adore that about him.
B5 began school this year, H18 months is attending family daycare 3 days a week and currently I am working for a nappy fabric company that is an incredibly eco aware. LOVE IT!! Mr P (for partner not Phoenix. LOL) has just started to be a salesman and he is rocking it out and is in line for a promotion, he has been there for 3 months. So very proud of his effort.

Well my brain is empty, I have been running on very little sleep with both boys being unwell and me just plain worn out.

So that was my very first post.... exciting. HA