Spinning

The journey of Real Mumma's on Monday is really making me question things, on top of that my house is messy which contributes to a messy head. Not very nice for Mr P here at the moment. Poor fella cops all my head explosion moments.

There was a complete meltdown on a forum I am a member of,you can feel the bad energy as soon as you log on. The only thing that makes me go back is the weight loss group I have joined. They are a lovely bunch of women and because it is completely private it is very easy to be yourself and share the up's and down's of changing your lifestyle and thought patterns.

We are having financial strains, even though we are pacing ourselves with the wedding plans. It is very frustrating and it looks like I am going to have to get a casual job. The thought of having a job makes me want to hyperventilate. My children get sick frequently, appointments happen, I am driving so much, and well the list goes on to why I can't possibly have a job. I find it really hard to let people down who rely on me. It makes me feel physically ill when I have to have a day off.
Mr P wants to explore his ability in his career field, yet is stuck in the job he doesn't enjoy so much. He is constantly coming up with reasons not to put himself out there. I completely understand the fear attached to applying for jobs, it is daunting, but he is so good at what he does that I am certain other companies will want his awesomeness.

B6 is doing fine at school, a little disrupted because he has had nearly 2 weeks off. His learning is taking off, he is extremely interested in computers and I am trying to get funding for an Ipad and speech/OT apps, through DSQ aids and equipment grant.
This time last year things started to go down hill rapidly at his old school. He was unwell then too and going back to school proved too much for him in a school that couldn't be bothered supporting him. I am trying to remember that this school is fan-freakin-tastic and won't let him down, but it is a constant struggle to stay on top of the negative feelings.

H2 is doing well. He really loves going to his Family Day Care Mum, and I like her too. Very happy! :)

The Real Mumma's on Monday question was what award I would win. Every time I think of my answer I tear up. I was so strong when I had B6, I felt resilient and I was proud of myself. Now I am an anxious mess when things happen. I fall into a crumpled heap as soon as something doesn't go like I had thought. It is really hard to be strong these days. I want to be proud of myself again, be strong again, be like water and weather the storms. Have I failed myself?

Today marks the day H started having seizures 2 years ago. Maybe that has something to do with the inner turmoil too.
I was in the middle of breastfeeding, I lay him on my lap to change sides and he went blank. Nothing was behind his eyes, he was not there anymore. His lips started to go dusky and his breathing was rapid and irregular. When he didn't respond to his name or me blowing in his face we called the ambulance. By the time they arrived he was perfectly fine. He looked to have frequent little episodes of vacantness during the night but I felt comfortable to leave it because he was co-sleeping and I would know if something went wrong. The next morning I had planned to meet some special friends that I had met through B6 and his Special School. I started to feed him some of his banana and avocado mash and he had another turn. There was only two mothers there at that time and both said to me that it looked like he was having a seizure. Both their gorgeous boys have Epilepsy so I knew they knew what they were talking about. I broke down. I had a feeling that it was seizures but so didn't want to admit it. I called the ambulance again and we were taken to hospital. He had frequent mini episodes on the way to the hospital, the ambulance officer didn't think what was happening odd. We arrived at the Emergency department and saw the Doctor. It was 11 am. My wonderful friend picked up Mr P and he was there shortly after we arrived. We spent the rest of the day in limbo because he hadn't had another episode. The Doctor came in at 3 to do last checks and discharge us. He had an episode right in front of her. Oh my, that duress button and the amount of noise and action was too much for me and I nearly fainted. It was so hard to see him on that bed.
We were discharged to the ward at 5pm and on the way he had another one. His whole body went blue and he was lifeless in my arms. I started to scream at the nurse and wardy who was pushing us. They weren't moving fast enough. The duress button was pushed when we got to his room and Doctors, nurses and equipment came out of no where. Mr P and I were standing out of the way when he broke down crying 'what is wrong with my baby, what is wrong.' It was so intense to see him in so much pain.
He was transferred to Paed ICU and looked after well. At about 2am he had another massive episode and it was decided that he needed medication to stop them as his heart-rate was dropping and so was his oxygen levels, it was getting too dangerous for him. We spent only 3 days in hospital and it was an intense time with MRI's, spinal taps and EEG's. They couldn't find anything. He had another 2 seizures a month later after a big growth spurt and nothing since. He was weaned off the drugs in May 2010.
To this day it is still unknown what went on with him. I am aware that he could have another episode any minute. It isn't nice. Hopefully it was just an infantile syndrome and it will never happen to him again. I live in hope.

Stop messing with our food!

I am constantly flabbergasted as to how much food is tampered with before it gets to our grocery trolley and therefore, to our bodies.
An article on TV last night was about Genetically Modified (GM) Soy being a product in babies formula. It doesn't surprise me, however it deeply saddens me that when non breastfeeding women look for a product that they think will be gentler on their babies tummy, they are not made aware that the product they have thought to be better is made with 'messed with' soya beans.

When I walk into my local grocery store and see perfect tomatoes that fit neatly into boxes and can be stored for long periods in a fridge, I can not help that my mind screams NOT NORMAL!

In this fast food society we have created where we need our food to be quick and easy, what are we doing to future generations? Heart disease is on a rise and diabetes is more prevalent as well.
I was speaking to a friend of mine a while ago who works in the medical field as a doctor, she said that when talking to another doctor about the rise of heart disease they mentioned that a large amount of their patients can't understand why they had heart disease when they ate 'healthy' option frozen meals. They tell them it is probably their genetics even though they know that it is probably due to the preservatives and additives in pre-made food.

I do not know all there is to know about this topic, I am still learning.
It is the reason why I have endeavoured to grow as much of our food as I can, and if I can't then I will buy from locally sourced growers. I try to buy the organic option when available and I buy food that doesn't have additives or preservatives. I make our bread and yoghurt and I cook a lot of our food from scratch. It may sound like a lot of work but to be honest, for someone who is generally rather lazy in the kitchen, it has been a fun and rewarding journey. I buy our meat from butchers who source local meat.
Locally sourced options will support the community and local industry, which then means that farmers don't have to grow food that is striped of all goodness yet packed with steroids and GM for the mass production supermarkets require. Way better for the farmer and better for our bodies, it also makes for a profitable region.

I have seen a difference in my children since embarking on this journey, they are more relaxed, their skin is healthier and their eyes are brighter. The other difference is that we don't get sick as often and when we are, it isn't for as long as it would have been before these changes. All major pluses for me!

The next step

I figure it is only right to add the next chapter in my motherhood journey, my little man H1.
I met his father about 4 months after B5 was born and we were solid friends. He and I maintained a great friendship for the next 3 years after a lot of relocating and distance. He was living in Perth, WA and came back to Brisbane for a holiday to celebrate his birthday. We spent a bit of time together having lunch and he looked after wee man while I went to soccer training. It was during this trip that he announced to me that he didn't want to live his life without us in it anymore. I was completely taken by surprise, I had never had someone profess their love for me and my little like that. We decided that we were going to give us a go. He went back to Perth after a week and we did the long distant thing for a while. He flew B and I over for a 2 week holiday which was absolutely fabulous and probably the most romantic token I have gotten. He decided that he was going to move back to Brisbane to give our relationship a proper go and by New Year we were together again.
H was a much wanted baby by Mr P and I was under the impression of if it happened I would be glad but if it didn't, I wouldn't mind too much. Well I was pregnant within the first month.

It was an incredibly stressful time as I hadn't realised that there was unresolved issues due to B's birth. I was so worried that my next child would have a disability and it affected me badly. I had a melt down at 27 weeks (I had a preterm labour scare with B at this time too) and decided that my head space was too messy and I wouldn't be able to birth him naturally. So I was booked in for an elective C section. The day arrived that was written on my admission note and with an air of anticipation and excited anxiousness we were prepared for surgery. Half an hour after the spinal block had been given I was hearing my little boy for the first time. He was checked over and was given the all clear. Oh how I cried. I cried for the diagnosis of my first born and I cried for the joy I felt that I had bought another life into this world. I was handed my beautifully fat pink healthy baby and he was keen to get sucking. Mr P took him for some Daddy, Son time in the recovery room and I soon joined them. He latched with very little effort and the relief was amazing. I had never breastfed a child before. It was bliss.
We were transferred back to the ward and Mr P went home for a sleep a while after we were settled. I lovingly gazed at my new baby while figuring out what his name should be. It was a beautiful time and I will always remember how my heart swelled to receive this precious being.
He was/is a beautiful baby and was incredibly chilled and went with the flow, loved to eat and was a great sleeper.


At 5 months old during a breastfeed he did a little funny episode. We called the ambulance because he went blue around his mouth. The ambulance came and he had returned to normal and I was told that I possibly could have had an air bubble. Ridiculous now I know but at the time it sounded plausible. The next day I had a meet up with some other mother's who have children with special needs. We were meeting to celebrate one of their birthday's. As we were sitting down to a coffee my little had another episode. A couple of the mother's recognised it as a seizure and I rang an ambulance and was transferred to the hospital an emotional mess. Not my perfect baby I kept repeating to myself. We were waiting in Emergency from 11 to 3 and nothing untoward had happened. We were seeing a doctor just before being discharged and low and behold he had another one. I am so thankful they got to see that one. We were rushed into recovery and there were heaps of nurses running everywhere and so many beeps and all of a sudden I was faint and nearly blacked out. It was such an emotionally draining time for both my partner and I. We spent the night in ICU and he was put on anti epileptic meds and the seizures ceased. He had an MRI and a lumbar puncture with no abnormal results. Although this time was incredibly tough to process he has only ever had another 2 seizures and is now being weaned from the drugs. I have my fingers firmly crossed that this will be the end of drama with Master H, well until teenage years at least. Ha

He has taught me that even though I might worry about everything, at the end of the day, I can change didally squat and what will be will be. You have to ride the currents, not try to dictate them. I am trying to let go of my controlling nature but it is resisting a little. I will get there though!

Reminiscing

I have been looking through my photo albums and I have been marveling in the change of my littles over the last couple of years


This is my gorgeous son B5 when he was 3 months old
This is him now


My other beautiful son, H1


and now


Ridiculous how fast time flies.

These past five years have had so many times growth and determination. I have become so many things, a mother, nurturer, fighter, carer, provider, learner, teacher, I have grieved and I have celebrated. I have had so much change it spins my head to process those years.

When I first found out I was pregnant with B5 I was 21 years old, I was in a rocky relationship and I was so far removed from who I used to be. It was a time of uncertainty and pain. I had an ultrasound at 7 weeks and knew that the life inside of me was mine and I was going to grow it and nurture this beautiful gift. I spent a fair chunk of my pregnancy uncertain of if I was bringing my baby into a family of 3 or just him and me.
Finally the day arrived that he was going to arrive. I had very little fluid around him and apparently my placenta had started to calcify. My baby was a little small but that wasn't too odd I was told. He was riding high and I was told that with his heart rate continually decelerating he was at a great risk and wasn't gong to be able to be born naturally. I was taken to Theatre after 4 hours of labour and being only 2cm. I was given a spinal block and with my Mum waiting outside and partner beside me I gave birth to our son with the assistance of Theatre staff. I remember feeling slight tugging and then an almighty light feeling and then I was seeing his gorgeous pinky, slimy body flung over the sheet. I yelled out his name and had a little cry. I had done it, my first born was here. It felt like an eternity between that moment and hearing him cry. He was having a little issue with breathing and was given some oxygen. He was wrapped and finally I was able to meet my son. I was looking at him thinking, I wonder if this is how all newborns look. I was in love, utterly and completely. He had my heart forever. I was then told that they were taking him back to the Maternity ward and I asked my Partner and Mother to go with him. I was stitched up and taken to recovery. As I was wheeled out the doors I saw the Obstetrician and Paediatrician talking and the look on their faces looked as if someone had died. I was saying to myself, please not me, please not me... then the Paed walked over. My heart was lodged in my mouth. He asked me a question. "What do you know about Down Syndrome?"
How was I supposed to answer? I was shocked and silent.
He said that it could just be a look and Grandpa could walk in the door tomorrow and we will click our fingers and know that that is why he looks the way he does.
I drifted in and out of awareness and I can't recall everything. I asked to see my partner. I remember that while he was on his way a nurse was telling me that her aunt had Down Syndrome and she had practically raised her and her cousins.
After my partner came I don't recall much at all until the next day. I know that once I got back to my room I didn't put my little man down. All I knew was love, come what may, love was all I felt for him.
We were told that he would have chromosomal tests done but they would take 2 weeks to come back as we lived in a rural town. We spent those 2 weeks in a lot of denial, he just had bags under his eyes like his father. He was so amazingly gorgeous and perfect, surely he didn't have it. Both of us had no experience with people who have Down Syndrome, there was a girl in Primary School that was a couple of years younger and all I could remember is that she used to spit on everyone. So with our lack of knowledge we got to know our child and love him for who he was, not a diagnosis. I am so glad I had that time, it made me so appreciative of the gift I held in my arms.
We were told that we would have an appointment regardless of outcome because the hospital was unable to tell us results via the phone. We got the appointment time when bub was just over 2 weeks old. We heard our names being called and began to walk towards the door. My partner went in first and held the door for me, the doctor, before I had even entered the room said 'Well obviously he has it or we wouldn't be here.' I felt like I had been punched. He said that Early Intervention was the best option for these little ones and we should research our best option and go for it.
I am sitting here 5 years later still feeling my disappointment at this doctor for the way we were treated. We just needed some compassion and guidance, we needed to be referred, not told to research. It was 6 + weeks until we were able to get some assistance. I am so Thankful to the team when we did see them, without their help I wouldn't have been able to learn the things that I have.
When my little man was 3 months old my relationship with his father ended. He told me that it was over on the Wednesday, he was out of the house by the Friday. It was so hard. That Sunday was Mother's day, my very first Mother's day was spent as a newly single mother.
Ok enough self pity now, this is about growth not woe is me.
I am actually really Thankful that I was given the chance to be the best mother that I ever could be, so even though he was a total douche, I am so grateful that I spent 3 years growing my gorgeous boy all by myself.

So that is it, how my journey as a mother started, challenging, yes, but well worth every minute.