Gotta have friends

I am completely and utterly blessed by having a gorgeous bunch (hence photo, HA ) of friends that I will always be able to call on.

This weekend I was recharged by some fabulous company, a bit of alcohol and Dahl! We woke to the beautiful blue ocean and a crisp, cool, revitalising atmosphere. A beautiful boy exclaiming 'WOW' bought about by such wonders that we as adults miss the gorgeous simplicity of. We walked with said little man throwing his arms out the side of his pram and marveling in the feeling of the breeze in his fine silky hair and the caress of the sun massaging his soul.
We supported a little girls wish to hold a party every year to remember her sweet presence this world is now without. We laughed together, we shared together, we ate together, and because of our children we now have an unbreakable link!

Today I am still feeling the high of knowing I have sisters that I will always be able to call on. I know that I am loved and that I love them in return. We share a common bond and yet that bond has made us better for knowing each other. Well I know that I am anyway. Each of us don't see each other every week yet we know that we are supported if we need to be supported, we are hugged (even virtually) when we need to be hugged and most importantly we can cry on each others shoulders when life is a little bit tough.

I will never forget this weekend. Thank you universe for being so kind to me and that we can be there for each other. It was beautiful to have an eclipsed moon while we shared company, it added to the undeniably spectacular gift we were sharing.
Friendship is grand and I know that where ever I am, I have fantastic friends.

Part of the process

My Mum came over yesterday, with her she bought a massive bag of B5's baby clothes. I had completely forgotten about them.
I emptied them on my couch to sort and put in bags to recycle, then completely broke down in tears! It was so random. I had no idea that I would be effected by seeing these beautiful tiny clothes. They are only clothes! Well obviously the time we shared while he was dressed in those clothes were more precious then I had ever thought. There was the suit that he wore when he was 3 months in first picture of this post. He had just started to fill out the 0000 sized clothes so I was trying him in 000! It is still so fresh in my memory, the reason he has freaky eyes like that is because he was fixated on the netballers in their tiny skirts that were on TV! Ha! I spent ages to get the right picture of just how focused he was on those awesome colours.
Anyway, that aside, I was really proud of myself. I touched them, I processed and I then bagged them and passed them on. I have never done that before. I would have kept that turtle suit, at least one pair of the tiny socks he wore, so on, so on. I realised yesterday how much I auto piloted the first year of his life. I completely poured myself into him and I ignored everything else. It was hard. I think I used the process of dressing him as therapy or maybe a tad bit of denial, if he looked good then everything was good.
So now it is an end of a hoarding era, I now have gotten rid of all clothes that don't fit H anymore. Sad but yet so exciting to move forward.
A friend just had a small baby boy so I really hope she can get heaps of use out of them, if not then I am sure someone out there will.

Mmmmmm

Coffee is awesome! Nutella off a spoon is up there too.

That is all!

doing a Sarah Jessica Parker

I am wanting to get a mole removed from the side of my nose but I am so scared of seeing the blade cut it off. Blergh, makes me cringe just thinking about it. I will then need to have the whole embarrassing thing of a massive bandaid covering half my face and then a nasty scab that is uglier then the mole. Oh and then I bet that the scab would fall off in some awful situation like when on a date and fall into my salad! Ha.
Totally wouldn't happen as we don't tend to get to go on dates BUT if we did, I am sure I would have to fish it out of my food!
I have been told when you get a local in your face it radiates out really far, I can just imagine having to pick B5 up from school and a massive pool of drool falling out the corner of my mouth.
I also have this crazy attachment, if I remove the mole people won't recognise me! I know it is completely unrealistic or maybe it is the secret voice of my mole saying that it would hate to be detached from me! Ha. I promise I am not a lunatic, just that it has been there for most of my life!

I almost always burst out laughing when I think of my Father in law seeing a mole on my back and pointing saying, mole, mole, witchy witch, mole. It was a total Austin Powers moment. Least to say I had it removed about 3 months later. Ha.
Maybe now that I have written about it I might have a bit of courage to make an appointment! Maybe.... Possibly.... Hopefully....



Completely unrelated, however I totally dig this kids flexibility.

football and all things bogan

Unless you live under a rock, last night was State of Origin (oh, if you don't live in either NSW or QLD, enjoy your rock). Mr P is an avid NSW supporter, and I am a QLD supporter.
Origin is continually an issue in our household, in fact a couple of years ago we ended up having an unrelated argument that resulted in him spending the night with his parents because he had been angry that NSW had lost. Since then we have a strict no alcohol policy and he is asked to not really plan to watch the game with others unless he stays the night there. It has been an OK living environment on game night since then, until...... I hacked his Facebook page and wrote GO QUEENSLANDERS. LOL. I think it is hilarious but he had other ideas. He told me that it was so not cool and that I had crossed the line. (It kinda felt that he might have even considered it a deal breaker)
I am nearly wetting myself remembering the look on his face when he read it.
I had to then show him that the status is able to be removed and he promptly deleted it. So I am totally pointing the finger and laughing that he is a bogan! Fricken hilariously BOGAN!



Oh how I love him.

cool banana's, toothy pegs and happiness

You know that feeling you get when you know that a change is coming and it feels good? I am in it. I have spent the last 4 weeks completely stressing my arse off (literally, yay) and now I am feeling the pieces come together and the excitement take over.
My Dad rang to say that he had weeded the old baths, that my Grandfather used to grow plants in, so that we can plant seeds and seedlings once we arrive. Mr P has organised the time off and I have spoken to the school we are thinking B will attend.

The new school Head of the SEU rang today and had a bit of a chat to me about the school and how they support the children who have Special Needs. She was so up beat and onto the needs that B5 has and is very realistic about how much support he will need. I was almost, yep almost, moved to tears when after explaining some issues we have experienced she said that they would love to have him attend their school. Awwww! This year has probably been the most cruel and intense one that I have experienced since he was born. I feel that even the first year of life was easier for me.
I have had to have my eyes forcibly opened to the fact that my son does have a disability. Of course he has had the diagnosis his whole life but he is like everyone else, he is such an amazing little soul. In the last 5 months that he has been going to school I have been told how much he throws tantrums, how much support he needs and I was told that he wasn't coping. I am sure that every mother wants their child to fit in and enjoy life and I am no different, it hurts. I am trying to focus on the positive achievements he has had, like that he can now tell me the letters of his name. He can count more and pronounce them quite clearly, he can say more words and is doing the first stage of learning to read (a way off yet but still exciting). So yeah that is all cool banana's to me.


I love the time of the morning when both my boys are in the bathroom cleaning their teeth. Big brother herds little brother into the bath for some quality teeth brushing and they are both extremely happy.



We went to a playschool live show the other week, I only just uploaded the photos. I adore watching my little men dance. B5 has some seriously rocking moves, he can air guitar with the best of them.



This is my boys with their cousin going on a bear hunt when Little Ted and Big Ted went missing. (The 3 boys in a row, blonde hair, brown hair and tiny blonde hair boys)


Good times, good times! *happy sigh*

Proof is in the pictures

Getting there!

Slice of heaven, Yeah!

Yesterday while in the car Jimmy Barnes was being interviewed about his new song, Before the Devil knows your dead. He was asked if he believed in Heaven, to which he replied that he is living it. He feels that rich or poor you make your Heaven on Earth and should enjoy everyday. I was watching the cartoon movie Cars with my boys this morning and the boss of the awesome sponsor asked Lighting McQueen to be the face of Dinoco. Lighting said 'but I didn't win' Boss man said 'it isn't about winning, it is how you race.'

So other then sprouting off a couple of nice things, it got me thinking. Do I look at the life I am living and appreciate our slice of heaven. Not enough I am sad to say. I look at the challenges more then the successes, I get lost in the chores of living far too frequently. These two very simple scenarios have challenged me greatly. How can I miss the shining light that radiates from my little ones faces? I have been in a dark place since my pregnancy with H1 and I don't like it. I haven't got professional help in either form of pills and counseling and it isn't only me that is feeling the drag of life that the weight of depression can leave. My 'she'll be right, I can do it myself' attitude is affecting us all so much. The way I am racing isn't how I want to race any longer. I am needing a readjustment in my thinking and I am hoping that through these two very normal antidotes to living I can move forward into the light and feel the sun's rays on my soul again.

Procrastination is an artform

I am a skilled procrastinator. I have been perfecting this skill all my life. I have now got to train myself to pull my finger out, figuratively of course, and get on with the task at hand... CULLING.

It is so daunting I haven't even opened my shed doors, we have two mind you, to have a peek at what lies ahead. My Father in Law will be gracing us with his presence tomorrow morning and I know that he will want to go hammer and tong and rush us through so he can do a dump run. I however just want to take my time and enjoy the memories. I want to send more to the recycle then to the dump and I am so totally aware that we only have 5 weeks to rehouse the recycle and I would prefer to give it to people who want it and not just the local Op Shop.
I am really glad that my in laws are so willing to help us with our transition and I should just be glad that he will be giving up half his Saturday to make it easier for us.

Our drier died the other day and I am having an internal argument. To throw or not to throw. We got it off Ebay last year and we knew that if we got at least one year out of it we would be happy. It has been 11 months, ha. So now, do I pay the dude to fix it when it is about 15 years old, or do we just let it rust away at the dump, I know what DP would say. It had a happy life.

I have to add a picture because it always looks so unlively when I don't.
This is H1 (well actually 19months but it is so much easier to put 1. LOL) eating lunch the other day. Comfortable much?

The next step

I figure it is only right to add the next chapter in my motherhood journey, my little man H1.
I met his father about 4 months after B5 was born and we were solid friends. He and I maintained a great friendship for the next 3 years after a lot of relocating and distance. He was living in Perth, WA and came back to Brisbane for a holiday to celebrate his birthday. We spent a bit of time together having lunch and he looked after wee man while I went to soccer training. It was during this trip that he announced to me that he didn't want to live his life without us in it anymore. I was completely taken by surprise, I had never had someone profess their love for me and my little like that. We decided that we were going to give us a go. He went back to Perth after a week and we did the long distant thing for a while. He flew B and I over for a 2 week holiday which was absolutely fabulous and probably the most romantic token I have gotten. He decided that he was going to move back to Brisbane to give our relationship a proper go and by New Year we were together again.
H was a much wanted baby by Mr P and I was under the impression of if it happened I would be glad but if it didn't, I wouldn't mind too much. Well I was pregnant within the first month.

It was an incredibly stressful time as I hadn't realised that there was unresolved issues due to B's birth. I was so worried that my next child would have a disability and it affected me badly. I had a melt down at 27 weeks (I had a preterm labour scare with B at this time too) and decided that my head space was too messy and I wouldn't be able to birth him naturally. So I was booked in for an elective C section. The day arrived that was written on my admission note and with an air of anticipation and excited anxiousness we were prepared for surgery. Half an hour after the spinal block had been given I was hearing my little boy for the first time. He was checked over and was given the all clear. Oh how I cried. I cried for the diagnosis of my first born and I cried for the joy I felt that I had bought another life into this world. I was handed my beautifully fat pink healthy baby and he was keen to get sucking. Mr P took him for some Daddy, Son time in the recovery room and I soon joined them. He latched with very little effort and the relief was amazing. I had never breastfed a child before. It was bliss.
We were transferred back to the ward and Mr P went home for a sleep a while after we were settled. I lovingly gazed at my new baby while figuring out what his name should be. It was a beautiful time and I will always remember how my heart swelled to receive this precious being.
He was/is a beautiful baby and was incredibly chilled and went with the flow, loved to eat and was a great sleeper.


At 5 months old during a breastfeed he did a little funny episode. We called the ambulance because he went blue around his mouth. The ambulance came and he had returned to normal and I was told that I possibly could have had an air bubble. Ridiculous now I know but at the time it sounded plausible. The next day I had a meet up with some other mother's who have children with special needs. We were meeting to celebrate one of their birthday's. As we were sitting down to a coffee my little had another episode. A couple of the mother's recognised it as a seizure and I rang an ambulance and was transferred to the hospital an emotional mess. Not my perfect baby I kept repeating to myself. We were waiting in Emergency from 11 to 3 and nothing untoward had happened. We were seeing a doctor just before being discharged and low and behold he had another one. I am so thankful they got to see that one. We were rushed into recovery and there were heaps of nurses running everywhere and so many beeps and all of a sudden I was faint and nearly blacked out. It was such an emotionally draining time for both my partner and I. We spent the night in ICU and he was put on anti epileptic meds and the seizures ceased. He had an MRI and a lumbar puncture with no abnormal results. Although this time was incredibly tough to process he has only ever had another 2 seizures and is now being weaned from the drugs. I have my fingers firmly crossed that this will be the end of drama with Master H, well until teenage years at least. Ha

He has taught me that even though I might worry about everything, at the end of the day, I can change didally squat and what will be will be. You have to ride the currents, not try to dictate them. I am trying to let go of my controlling nature but it is resisting a little. I will get there though!

Reminiscing

I have been looking through my photo albums and I have been marveling in the change of my littles over the last couple of years


This is my gorgeous son B5 when he was 3 months old
This is him now


My other beautiful son, H1


and now


Ridiculous how fast time flies.

These past five years have had so many times growth and determination. I have become so many things, a mother, nurturer, fighter, carer, provider, learner, teacher, I have grieved and I have celebrated. I have had so much change it spins my head to process those years.

When I first found out I was pregnant with B5 I was 21 years old, I was in a rocky relationship and I was so far removed from who I used to be. It was a time of uncertainty and pain. I had an ultrasound at 7 weeks and knew that the life inside of me was mine and I was going to grow it and nurture this beautiful gift. I spent a fair chunk of my pregnancy uncertain of if I was bringing my baby into a family of 3 or just him and me.
Finally the day arrived that he was going to arrive. I had very little fluid around him and apparently my placenta had started to calcify. My baby was a little small but that wasn't too odd I was told. He was riding high and I was told that with his heart rate continually decelerating he was at a great risk and wasn't gong to be able to be born naturally. I was taken to Theatre after 4 hours of labour and being only 2cm. I was given a spinal block and with my Mum waiting outside and partner beside me I gave birth to our son with the assistance of Theatre staff. I remember feeling slight tugging and then an almighty light feeling and then I was seeing his gorgeous pinky, slimy body flung over the sheet. I yelled out his name and had a little cry. I had done it, my first born was here. It felt like an eternity between that moment and hearing him cry. He was having a little issue with breathing and was given some oxygen. He was wrapped and finally I was able to meet my son. I was looking at him thinking, I wonder if this is how all newborns look. I was in love, utterly and completely. He had my heart forever. I was then told that they were taking him back to the Maternity ward and I asked my Partner and Mother to go with him. I was stitched up and taken to recovery. As I was wheeled out the doors I saw the Obstetrician and Paediatrician talking and the look on their faces looked as if someone had died. I was saying to myself, please not me, please not me... then the Paed walked over. My heart was lodged in my mouth. He asked me a question. "What do you know about Down Syndrome?"
How was I supposed to answer? I was shocked and silent.
He said that it could just be a look and Grandpa could walk in the door tomorrow and we will click our fingers and know that that is why he looks the way he does.
I drifted in and out of awareness and I can't recall everything. I asked to see my partner. I remember that while he was on his way a nurse was telling me that her aunt had Down Syndrome and she had practically raised her and her cousins.
After my partner came I don't recall much at all until the next day. I know that once I got back to my room I didn't put my little man down. All I knew was love, come what may, love was all I felt for him.
We were told that he would have chromosomal tests done but they would take 2 weeks to come back as we lived in a rural town. We spent those 2 weeks in a lot of denial, he just had bags under his eyes like his father. He was so amazingly gorgeous and perfect, surely he didn't have it. Both of us had no experience with people who have Down Syndrome, there was a girl in Primary School that was a couple of years younger and all I could remember is that she used to spit on everyone. So with our lack of knowledge we got to know our child and love him for who he was, not a diagnosis. I am so glad I had that time, it made me so appreciative of the gift I held in my arms.
We were told that we would have an appointment regardless of outcome because the hospital was unable to tell us results via the phone. We got the appointment time when bub was just over 2 weeks old. We heard our names being called and began to walk towards the door. My partner went in first and held the door for me, the doctor, before I had even entered the room said 'Well obviously he has it or we wouldn't be here.' I felt like I had been punched. He said that Early Intervention was the best option for these little ones and we should research our best option and go for it.
I am sitting here 5 years later still feeling my disappointment at this doctor for the way we were treated. We just needed some compassion and guidance, we needed to be referred, not told to research. It was 6 + weeks until we were able to get some assistance. I am so Thankful to the team when we did see them, without their help I wouldn't have been able to learn the things that I have.
When my little man was 3 months old my relationship with his father ended. He told me that it was over on the Wednesday, he was out of the house by the Friday. It was so hard. That Sunday was Mother's day, my very first Mother's day was spent as a newly single mother.
Ok enough self pity now, this is about growth not woe is me.
I am actually really Thankful that I was given the chance to be the best mother that I ever could be, so even though he was a total douche, I am so grateful that I spent 3 years growing my gorgeous boy all by myself.

So that is it, how my journey as a mother started, challenging, yes, but well worth every minute.

A change is upon us

We are relocating our family.... from the hustle and bustle of a main city to the sea breeze filled air by the water, in a very small community. I am so very excited that we are going to be a part of a community, even if it is mostly full of older people and holiday houses. While writing this I am looking around at our cluttered house thinking this is the perfect way to procrastinate! Where to start, I have no idea. Possibly the massive pile of mount foldmore, maybe the stacks of toys that are strewn over the living room floor, could I do the bookcases. The list is endless and my motivation is massively lacking.
We made Anzac biscuits, the boys and I danced together and played in the gorgeous sun that has presented itself today. That is how a Saturday is meant to be spent!
We got given some Guinea Pigs a while back by neighbours that were moving, I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to find a home for them but luck have it a little boy is having a birthday soon and they are apparently the perfect present. Hooray, no curry is going to be made out of them!!
Well I think I have used up all of my avoidance time now and will have to give myself the jolt of life and get on with this awful job of culling and organising. On a massive plus side, I can't wait until we have gotten rid of heaps of stuff and we can feel a little lighter. Oh to be at that point already.....