The journey of Real Mumma's on Monday is really making me question things, on top of that my house is messy which contributes to a messy head. Not very nice for Mr P here at the moment. Poor fella cops all my head explosion moments.
There was a complete meltdown on a forum I am a member of,you can feel the bad energy as soon as you log on. The only thing that makes me go back is the weight loss group I have joined. They are a lovely bunch of women and because it is completely private it is very easy to be yourself and share the up's and down's of changing your lifestyle and thought patterns.
We are having financial strains, even though we are pacing ourselves with the wedding plans. It is very frustrating and it looks like I am going to have to get a casual job. The thought of having a job makes me want to hyperventilate. My children get sick frequently, appointments happen, I am driving so much, and well the list goes on to why I can't possibly have a job. I find it really hard to let people down who rely on me. It makes me feel physically ill when I have to have a day off.
Mr P wants to explore his ability in his career field, yet is stuck in the job he doesn't enjoy so much. He is constantly coming up with reasons not to put himself out there. I completely understand the fear attached to applying for jobs, it is daunting, but he is so good at what he does that I am certain other companies will want his awesomeness.
B6 is doing fine at school, a little disrupted because he has had nearly 2 weeks off. His learning is taking off, he is extremely interested in computers and I am trying to get funding for an Ipad and speech/OT apps, through DSQ aids and equipment grant.
This time last year things started to go down hill rapidly at his old school. He was unwell then too and going back to school proved too much for him in a school that couldn't be bothered supporting him. I am trying to remember that this school is fan-freakin-tastic and won't let him down, but it is a constant struggle to stay on top of the negative feelings.
H2 is doing well. He really loves going to his Family Day Care Mum, and I like her too. Very happy! :)
The Real Mumma's on Monday question was what award I would win. Every time I think of my answer I tear up. I was so strong when I had B6, I felt resilient and I was proud of myself. Now I am an anxious mess when things happen. I fall into a crumpled heap as soon as something doesn't go like I had thought. It is really hard to be strong these days. I want to be proud of myself again, be strong again, be like water and weather the storms. Have I failed myself?
Today marks the day H started having seizures 2 years ago. Maybe that has something to do with the inner turmoil too.
I was in the middle of breastfeeding, I lay him on my lap to change sides and he went blank. Nothing was behind his eyes, he was not there anymore. His lips started to go dusky and his breathing was rapid and irregular. When he didn't respond to his name or me blowing in his face we called the ambulance. By the time they arrived he was perfectly fine. He looked to have frequent little episodes of vacantness during the night but I felt comfortable to leave it because he was co-sleeping and I would know if something went wrong. The next morning I had planned to meet some special friends that I had met through B6 and his Special School. I started to feed him some of his banana and avocado mash and he had another turn. There was only two mothers there at that time and both said to me that it looked like he was having a seizure. Both their gorgeous boys have Epilepsy so I knew they knew what they were talking about. I broke down. I had a feeling that it was seizures but so didn't want to admit it. I called the ambulance again and we were taken to hospital. He had frequent mini episodes on the way to the hospital, the ambulance officer didn't think what was happening odd. We arrived at the Emergency department and saw the Doctor. It was 11 am. My wonderful friend picked up Mr P and he was there shortly after we arrived. We spent the rest of the day in limbo because he hadn't had another episode. The Doctor came in at 3 to do last checks and discharge us. He had an episode right in front of her. Oh my, that duress button and the amount of noise and action was too much for me and I nearly fainted. It was so hard to see him on that bed.
We were discharged to the ward at 5pm and on the way he had another one. His whole body went blue and he was lifeless in my arms. I started to scream at the nurse and wardy who was pushing us. They weren't moving fast enough. The duress button was pushed when we got to his room and Doctors, nurses and equipment came out of no where. Mr P and I were standing out of the way when he broke down crying 'what is wrong with my baby, what is wrong.' It was so intense to see him in so much pain.
He was transferred to Paed ICU and looked after well. At about 2am he had another massive episode and it was decided that he needed medication to stop them as his heart-rate was dropping and so was his oxygen levels, it was getting too dangerous for him. We spent only 3 days in hospital and it was an intense time with MRI's, spinal taps and EEG's. They couldn't find anything. He had another 2 seizures a month later after a big growth spurt and nothing since. He was weaned off the drugs in May 2010.
To this day it is still unknown what went on with him. I am aware that he could have another episode any minute. It isn't nice. Hopefully it was just an infantile syndrome and it will never happen to him again. I live in hope.
March 30, 2011
March 24, 2011
Authentic Mummas
I am embarking on an adventure!
Kate King has started a blog spot and I have agreed to be one of the Mumma's. So for the next little while I am going to be answering questions on her blog here. Should be fun, and a tad challenging if the first question is anything to go by! LOL!
The launch is this Monday 28th March so head on over then. :)
Kate King has started a blog spot and I have agreed to be one of the Mumma's. So for the next little while I am going to be answering questions on her blog here. Should be fun, and a tad challenging if the first question is anything to go by! LOL!
The launch is this Monday 28th March so head on over then. :)
February 25, 2011
Got my Ideas flowing
Our plan with our wedding is to start collecting things now so we can space out the costs.
One of my Bridesmaids, K, has had some awesome ideas! She was married last year so it is so good to have her insight. As the Bridesmaids are all getting different style dresses, I was wondering how we could tie them all together a bit more. I was having a wander around Tar-get the other day and stumbled on some bargains, one being some black facinators.
I am going to make them sit flat and decorate with pearls somehow.
With the button bouquets, I have been looking for them in Op shops and have found some really cool ones. I went into Spotlight yesterday and found a huge bag of whiteish buttons in assorted styles, colours and sizes. Score!
Here is a sample of what I have done. I am thinking that the whiteish buttons will be the main colour and have the other colours more sporadic.
I went and chat to my dress maker yesterday and we have come up with an awesome design for my dress. My friend shared this picture, it is my inspiration. She won't start on it until early July when we will meet again to take measurements. In the mean time I will look for shoes and jewelery. Yay!
She is also making alterations to the dress I bought for my niece to be our flower girl. I bought the white dress a couple of years ago and it has been sitting in the cupboard waiting for us to set the date. She is going to put a different ribbon under the bodice and put a few more beads on.
For my hair I am thinking something like this with a mix of this. I would have the ribbon thinner and possibly two strands rather then the one, it will also have a bit of crochet.
Mr P is still looking at what he wants to wear, apparently it is dress shorts with a long sleeve shirt. ARGH!! I have asked him to look at casual slacks instead. We will see. I would like him to feel comfortable yet I am a bit freaked that he wants to be so casual when the ladies are more semi-formal.
I am thinking the boys will be dressed in casual tan shorts and a white collared shirt. Cute, and not a problem when they get all messy from playing, cause they are good like that! HA!
I have been having problems with my skin lately and I asked if my Mum could give me a wedding gift of Proactive. Today this arrived......
WOAH!! Loads of the stuff. Thanks Mum!
Today I sent out Save the Date invites that I made from Myinvites, it is an Australian site that is free. I decided to send them to family, the Bride and Groom parties, and close friends we REALLY want to come, that way everyone has the dates and information about accommodation to start to look at booking.
I am collecting beads, buttons and wire every pay day so my friend J and I can make table decorations. As the tables at the reception are long rectangles, I am thinking something like this with a shallow bowl with the conversation hearts, or maybe those glass beads with a small candle in the middle.
Hmmm, have I shown you where we are having the ceremony? I don't think so, but if I have, sorry.
This spot is across the road and down a bit from our house. PERFECT!
One of my Bridesmaids, K, has had some awesome ideas! She was married last year so it is so good to have her insight. As the Bridesmaids are all getting different style dresses, I was wondering how we could tie them all together a bit more. I was having a wander around Tar-get the other day and stumbled on some bargains, one being some black facinators.
I am going to make them sit flat and decorate with pearls somehow.
With the button bouquets, I have been looking for them in Op shops and have found some really cool ones. I went into Spotlight yesterday and found a huge bag of whiteish buttons in assorted styles, colours and sizes. Score!
Here is a sample of what I have done. I am thinking that the whiteish buttons will be the main colour and have the other colours more sporadic.
I went and chat to my dress maker yesterday and we have come up with an awesome design for my dress. My friend shared this picture, it is my inspiration. She won't start on it until early July when we will meet again to take measurements. In the mean time I will look for shoes and jewelery. Yay!
She is also making alterations to the dress I bought for my niece to be our flower girl. I bought the white dress a couple of years ago and it has been sitting in the cupboard waiting for us to set the date. She is going to put a different ribbon under the bodice and put a few more beads on.
For my hair I am thinking something like this with a mix of this. I would have the ribbon thinner and possibly two strands rather then the one, it will also have a bit of crochet.
Mr P is still looking at what he wants to wear, apparently it is dress shorts with a long sleeve shirt. ARGH!! I have asked him to look at casual slacks instead. We will see. I would like him to feel comfortable yet I am a bit freaked that he wants to be so casual when the ladies are more semi-formal.
I am thinking the boys will be dressed in casual tan shorts and a white collared shirt. Cute, and not a problem when they get all messy from playing, cause they are good like that! HA!
I have been having problems with my skin lately and I asked if my Mum could give me a wedding gift of Proactive. Today this arrived......
WOAH!! Loads of the stuff. Thanks Mum!
Today I sent out Save the Date invites that I made from Myinvites, it is an Australian site that is free. I decided to send them to family, the Bride and Groom parties, and close friends we REALLY want to come, that way everyone has the dates and information about accommodation to start to look at booking.
I am collecting beads, buttons and wire every pay day so my friend J and I can make table decorations. As the tables at the reception are long rectangles, I am thinking something like this with a shallow bowl with the conversation hearts, or maybe those glass beads with a small candle in the middle.
Hmmm, have I shown you where we are having the ceremony? I don't think so, but if I have, sorry.
This spot is across the road and down a bit from our house. PERFECT!
February 19, 2011
8 months...
is all we have until our wedding day!
I thought I should start to document our wedding journey. :) Yay us!
On the 8th of February 2009 we had a gathering of friends and family for B's 4th birthday. He surprised us all by asking me to marry him. He got down on his knee in front of everyone after he expressed his love and adoration for me and our family. I shook with excitement.
We have had many trying times over the years and always we have worked through it. I feel that I am able to communicate honestly and openly with him, I have loved him from the moment he told me he couldn't live without me anymore.
So now we are coming together, legally, as a family. EXCITING!!
We are having a smallish ceremony with friends and family on the water front park near our house. The celebrant is a family friend who is traveling up from NSW to marry us, we feel very blessed that he will be doing our ceremony as he dedicated our son's when they were little.
So the other plans we have made so far:
Bridesmaids- 4 lovely friends who mean heaps to me!
Invitations- simple and reflecting our wedding by the ocean
Bouquets- Buttons, not flowers. I have wonderful friends donating buttons for my bouquets, it means a lot to me to have them with me.
Dress- meeting with the Dressmaker this week (YAY). I have a wonderful friend who will be helping me decorate it with her amazing lace crochet.
Reception- at the local bowls club, we have a bit to do with it so it is nice to be able to support them. My Grandma bowled with them when she was living and my Grandfather has dinner there every Friday night! They have a lovely cook too!
Shoes- snazzy flats.
Jewellery- Earrings made by a friend of mine Mamayali Necklace I haven't decided but wonder if some beaded lace piece would be the go!
Decorations for Reception- My lovely local friend and I are going to make some cool beaded wire pieces for the table and have bowls of conversation hearts (I think)
So that is all I can think of at the moment.
I have had some freak outs as to if I will pull off the glowing bride, but knowing that I will be marrying my (cliche) best friend and wonderful partner, with my beautiful boys, makes me feel all warm inside!
I can't wait to have my close friends and family around us on our special day! I am so looking forward to sharing it with the people I love dearly.
I thought I should start to document our wedding journey. :) Yay us!
On the 8th of February 2009 we had a gathering of friends and family for B's 4th birthday. He surprised us all by asking me to marry him. He got down on his knee in front of everyone after he expressed his love and adoration for me and our family. I shook with excitement.
We have had many trying times over the years and always we have worked through it. I feel that I am able to communicate honestly and openly with him, I have loved him from the moment he told me he couldn't live without me anymore.
So now we are coming together, legally, as a family. EXCITING!!
We are having a smallish ceremony with friends and family on the water front park near our house. The celebrant is a family friend who is traveling up from NSW to marry us, we feel very blessed that he will be doing our ceremony as he dedicated our son's when they were little.
So the other plans we have made so far:
Bridesmaids- 4 lovely friends who mean heaps to me!
Invitations- simple and reflecting our wedding by the ocean
Bouquets- Buttons, not flowers. I have wonderful friends donating buttons for my bouquets, it means a lot to me to have them with me.
Dress- meeting with the Dressmaker this week (YAY). I have a wonderful friend who will be helping me decorate it with her amazing lace crochet.
Reception- at the local bowls club, we have a bit to do with it so it is nice to be able to support them. My Grandma bowled with them when she was living and my Grandfather has dinner there every Friday night! They have a lovely cook too!
Shoes- snazzy flats.
Jewellery- Earrings made by a friend of mine Mamayali Necklace I haven't decided but wonder if some beaded lace piece would be the go!
Decorations for Reception- My lovely local friend and I are going to make some cool beaded wire pieces for the table and have bowls of conversation hearts (I think)
So that is all I can think of at the moment.
I have had some freak outs as to if I will pull off the glowing bride, but knowing that I will be marrying my (cliche) best friend and wonderful partner, with my beautiful boys, makes me feel all warm inside!
I can't wait to have my close friends and family around us on our special day! I am so looking forward to sharing it with the people I love dearly.
February 3, 2011
The day I found unconditional love.
My beautiful boy is 6 years old. Writing that is incredible, SIX YEARS!!
He entered the world after going into fetal distress and being yanked out of me. He came into the world in a sterile environment, but it was full of nervous excitement that my first born was here. He was mine.
I was shown his face only briefly before he needed oxygen. I knew his name. I knew he was love. I knew he was a blessing. I touched him lightly while I was being looked after by the doctors. I was in awe. My body grew him.
He was taken away with the Midwife, his father and Grandma and I was alone. I was itching for him, I ached for him.
I remember the feeling of his diagnosis of Down syndrome, it was an empty feeling. A hole. A blank spot. Something didn't add up. Actually it didn't, it equaled 47. Each of his cells included a little extra special spice!
That spice made me live! It made me question myself. It made me hungry for knowledge. It made me protective. It made me see beauty in small things like rolling over, staring at the blinds blowing in the breeze (they have a hypnotic grip), seeing his eyes light up when he saw me. It was amazing.
My son, who gives me joy, love, frustration, kisses, contagious belly laughs, You are so incredibly special to me. Thank you for choosing me. I sure do love having you in my life.
Happy Birthday to you funky little, break dancing, dude!
You are one loved little boy, you are precious.
Love your Mumma xxx
He entered the world after going into fetal distress and being yanked out of me. He came into the world in a sterile environment, but it was full of nervous excitement that my first born was here. He was mine.
I was shown his face only briefly before he needed oxygen. I knew his name. I knew he was love. I knew he was a blessing. I touched him lightly while I was being looked after by the doctors. I was in awe. My body grew him.
He was taken away with the Midwife, his father and Grandma and I was alone. I was itching for him, I ached for him.
I remember the feeling of his diagnosis of Down syndrome, it was an empty feeling. A hole. A blank spot. Something didn't add up. Actually it didn't, it equaled 47. Each of his cells included a little extra special spice!
That spice made me live! It made me question myself. It made me hungry for knowledge. It made me protective. It made me see beauty in small things like rolling over, staring at the blinds blowing in the breeze (they have a hypnotic grip), seeing his eyes light up when he saw me. It was amazing.
My son, who gives me joy, love, frustration, kisses, contagious belly laughs, You are so incredibly special to me. Thank you for choosing me. I sure do love having you in my life.
Happy Birthday to you funky little, break dancing, dude!
You are one loved little boy, you are precious.
Love your Mumma xxx
January 16, 2011
The first decade of the new millennium
One of my friends, Milkymumma, wrote a blog post entitled the same. So here is my record of experiences.
2000
Started year 11 in Canberra
Skipped more classes then attended but found a passion in Photography.
Left the security of my parents home and went looking for new adventures with less authority
Moved to Brisbane and in with my sister
My Great Aunt passed away and my Dad suggested I move to Mount Isa
Didn't want to go but my older brother suggested that it could be the life I wanted to create for myself, so I did.
I moved in with my Cousin and her family
I turned 17
Spent some amazing time in Central Queensland for Christmas
2001
Started Year 11 again in Mount Isa
Went to Church and found family there
Became a Youth leader within our Church
Found a love for Earth Science and Art
Was a member of the Young Achievers Australia, we went to Townsville to compete and I dressed up in a dog suit for our advertising campaign. Fun!
Planned a trip to Pakistan and Thailand
Moved out of my Cousins house and into a Student hostel with some amazing house parents who became my close family
Taliban struck and our trip was canceled
I did 2 weeks work experience instead of going to camp, I wanted to be a teacher
2002
My house parents moved to Mackay, would have loved to leave but didn't because of year 12
Got my license
I was nominated to be a class prefect for Student Justice
Earth Science was my best subject and I loved learning about how awesome our world is
Our male school captain committed suicide
I began to date again
Graduated Year 12
2003
Got excepted into University for a Bachelor of Education
Turned it down
Worked at Coles as a Service Desk manager and then a Deli assistant. Smelt like meat most of the year
Took to running away again
Started to look for my security in men who didn't deserve me
Was drunk pretty much every day of the week
Started dating B5's father
2004
Was a shell of my former self
I had put on 20kg
Felt empty
Fell pregnant
Started to look after myself
Lost 15kg
Grew a beautiful belly
Was emotionally blackmailed and abused
Spent the summer in Mount Isa pregnant! Whew!!
I turned 21
2005
Gave birth to the most amazing son
His father left us
I went back to working
Friends took babysitting duty and helped me raise my boy
I met Mr P and we became fast friends
His father never bothered to spend much time with B
I rekindled a friendship with a (unknowingly) future deadbeat boyfriend
2006
My amazing little man turned 1
I moved B and I to Brisbane to utilise family and therapy
My Mum was diagnosed with Cancer and started treatment the week I moved in
Deadbeat boyfriend broke my heart and confidence (or was it me allowing it to happen)
I moved to my own place, Mr P helped me move
Bumped into a friend from Canberra who I hadn't spoken to for 6 years!
Dated a couple of guys
Drove to family in Central Queensland, stopping to see B's father (first contact in a year) for an hour
My Grandma passed away, I will miss her always
Started to get my groove back
2007
Began looking for a job as staying at home without B's father paying maintenance was impossible
Found an amazing job as a Ward Receptionist in the RBWH Special Care Nursery
Got my groove even more and loved life again
Started playing Soccer
Mr P looked after B while I was at training
We started to date even though he lived on the other side of the country
Took a holiday to Perth, it is a gorgeous part of our country
B got Pneumonia and spent 16 days in hospital
B's father told us he never wanted anything to do with us
2008
Mr P moved back to Brisbane
We decided to try for a baby
We made a baby
We moved in together
I had major anxieties attached to pregnancy and birth that were unresolved
I grew another amazing belly
Birthed an incredible son
2009
Mr P proposed to me at B's 4th birthday party in front of family and friends
Diagnosed with PND
Given Depo needle on advice from a doctor
I spiraled into an even greater depression
Didn't have a regular menstrual cycle the whole year and only just getting back to normal now
I found an incredible online forum community called Intuitive Parenting
2010
Mr P lost his job
Mr P found a great sales job 2 months later
B started Prep
H started Family day care
B started to have troubles at school
The school let us all down in a big way
We moved to Central Queensland
Started to see the sun again
Had a happy healthy family
Started my garden
Began to sew
Started to create again
Set our wedding date for October 2011
Spent our first Christmas as our family of 4
Watched to fireworks bring in 2011
Enjoy the year to come, but never forget where you came from
2000
Started year 11 in Canberra
Skipped more classes then attended but found a passion in Photography.
Left the security of my parents home and went looking for new adventures with less authority
Moved to Brisbane and in with my sister
My Great Aunt passed away and my Dad suggested I move to Mount Isa
Didn't want to go but my older brother suggested that it could be the life I wanted to create for myself, so I did.
I moved in with my Cousin and her family
I turned 17
Spent some amazing time in Central Queensland for Christmas
2001
Started Year 11 again in Mount Isa
Went to Church and found family there
Became a Youth leader within our Church
Found a love for Earth Science and Art
Was a member of the Young Achievers Australia, we went to Townsville to compete and I dressed up in a dog suit for our advertising campaign. Fun!
Planned a trip to Pakistan and Thailand
Moved out of my Cousins house and into a Student hostel with some amazing house parents who became my close family
Taliban struck and our trip was canceled
I did 2 weeks work experience instead of going to camp, I wanted to be a teacher
2002
My house parents moved to Mackay, would have loved to leave but didn't because of year 12
Got my license
I was nominated to be a class prefect for Student Justice
Earth Science was my best subject and I loved learning about how awesome our world is
Our male school captain committed suicide
I began to date again
Graduated Year 12
2003
Got excepted into University for a Bachelor of Education
Turned it down
Worked at Coles as a Service Desk manager and then a Deli assistant. Smelt like meat most of the year
Took to running away again
Started to look for my security in men who didn't deserve me
Was drunk pretty much every day of the week
Started dating B5's father
2004
Was a shell of my former self
I had put on 20kg
Felt empty
Fell pregnant
Started to look after myself
Lost 15kg
Grew a beautiful belly
Was emotionally blackmailed and abused
Spent the summer in Mount Isa pregnant! Whew!!
I turned 21
2005
Gave birth to the most amazing son
His father left us
I went back to working
Friends took babysitting duty and helped me raise my boy
I met Mr P and we became fast friends
His father never bothered to spend much time with B
I rekindled a friendship with a (unknowingly) future deadbeat boyfriend
2006
My amazing little man turned 1
I moved B and I to Brisbane to utilise family and therapy
My Mum was diagnosed with Cancer and started treatment the week I moved in
Deadbeat boyfriend broke my heart and confidence (or was it me allowing it to happen)
I moved to my own place, Mr P helped me move
Bumped into a friend from Canberra who I hadn't spoken to for 6 years!
Dated a couple of guys
Drove to family in Central Queensland, stopping to see B's father (first contact in a year) for an hour
My Grandma passed away, I will miss her always
Started to get my groove back
2007
Began looking for a job as staying at home without B's father paying maintenance was impossible
Found an amazing job as a Ward Receptionist in the RBWH Special Care Nursery
Got my groove even more and loved life again
Started playing Soccer
Mr P looked after B while I was at training
We started to date even though he lived on the other side of the country
Took a holiday to Perth, it is a gorgeous part of our country
B got Pneumonia and spent 16 days in hospital
B's father told us he never wanted anything to do with us
2008
Mr P moved back to Brisbane
We decided to try for a baby
We made a baby
We moved in together
I had major anxieties attached to pregnancy and birth that were unresolved
I grew another amazing belly
Birthed an incredible son
2009
Mr P proposed to me at B's 4th birthday party in front of family and friends
Diagnosed with PND
Given Depo needle on advice from a doctor
I spiraled into an even greater depression
Didn't have a regular menstrual cycle the whole year and only just getting back to normal now
I found an incredible online forum community called Intuitive Parenting
2010
Mr P lost his job
Mr P found a great sales job 2 months later
B started Prep
H started Family day care
B started to have troubles at school
The school let us all down in a big way
We moved to Central Queensland
Started to see the sun again
Had a happy healthy family
Started my garden
Began to sew
Started to create again
Set our wedding date for October 2011
Spent our first Christmas as our family of 4
Watched to fireworks bring in 2011
Enjoy the year to come, but never forget where you came from
January 15, 2011
Holiday slump
I have hit the holiday wall. I have found that parenting two children at the same time isn't the same as it was last holidays and I know that I had a bit of a struggle in those weeks too.
Both boys have been more trying and a lot of tantrums are occurring. Neither boy can articulate well, and have issues with getting their point across. I am feeling frustrated and ill equipped to be their parent. I have no idea of ways to help them learn and be engaged in activities, as soon as I unpack an activity they are already over it and want to do something else. I have toys from one end of my lounge room to the other because they won't help me pack up and I am feeling exhausted and a bad house keeper which makes me spiral into an overwhelmed laziness. I know it isn't their fault, I don't hold them accountable. I suck at being an educator and an engaged parent.
I have been running after B5 because he is bored and escapes our yard. I am too hot and don't enjoy being outside in this scorching weather, I don't particularly like the consequences attached to too much sun either.
I feel that the constant struggle to get the boys to do some thing, tiring so I hide in the computer. I have been getting better at it, but here I am venting and spent the last 2 hours half engaged with my kids but mostly invested in the online life I have created. I also struggle within myself because I know that I am not giving my children what they need and they are going to suffer in the long run. Why can't I spend an hour doing an activity in the yard with them? I know the answer, it is because I will feel shattered after it and have to clean up another big mess that is created. I am fucking sick of fucking cleaning up only to have it a disaster zone after only half the time it took to pack up.
On another note, when B5 took off out of our yard yesterday and was missing for over half an hour, my neighbours were amazing. 3 of them started to look for him and another let me know they had seen him running towards our local little shop.
My neighbour S is a retired electrician and hordes electrical equipment to sell at the local annual garage sale, he then donates all proceeds to St Vinnies. He came over just now with a small keyboard to help entertain B5 and H2 so the thrill of the unknown is reduced. He is such a lovely caring man.
So on the note that I know that I am not so alone, having a bit of a parenting crisis, but not alone in it, I am going to sign off on my vent and go get Mr P from work.
Both boys have been more trying and a lot of tantrums are occurring. Neither boy can articulate well, and have issues with getting their point across. I am feeling frustrated and ill equipped to be their parent. I have no idea of ways to help them learn and be engaged in activities, as soon as I unpack an activity they are already over it and want to do something else. I have toys from one end of my lounge room to the other because they won't help me pack up and I am feeling exhausted and a bad house keeper which makes me spiral into an overwhelmed laziness. I know it isn't their fault, I don't hold them accountable. I suck at being an educator and an engaged parent.
I have been running after B5 because he is bored and escapes our yard. I am too hot and don't enjoy being outside in this scorching weather, I don't particularly like the consequences attached to too much sun either.
I feel that the constant struggle to get the boys to do some thing, tiring so I hide in the computer. I have been getting better at it, but here I am venting and spent the last 2 hours half engaged with my kids but mostly invested in the online life I have created. I also struggle within myself because I know that I am not giving my children what they need and they are going to suffer in the long run. Why can't I spend an hour doing an activity in the yard with them? I know the answer, it is because I will feel shattered after it and have to clean up another big mess that is created. I am fucking sick of fucking cleaning up only to have it a disaster zone after only half the time it took to pack up.
On another note, when B5 took off out of our yard yesterday and was missing for over half an hour, my neighbours were amazing. 3 of them started to look for him and another let me know they had seen him running towards our local little shop.
My neighbour S is a retired electrician and hordes electrical equipment to sell at the local annual garage sale, he then donates all proceeds to St Vinnies. He came over just now with a small keyboard to help entertain B5 and H2 so the thrill of the unknown is reduced. He is such a lovely caring man.
So on the note that I know that I am not so alone, having a bit of a parenting crisis, but not alone in it, I am going to sign off on my vent and go get Mr P from work.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)